Winter 2017

Every step that we took and every decision that we made everyday affects our way of life. 

It's 12:48 a.m and I'm still awake. Good for me because I don't have class on Wednesday. 2017 has been hectic so far. Weather gets colder, school become more intense, and so does my social life. I went out every weekend with my friends just to refresh our mind after those busy days. But still tho, I still have two papers to write and other exam to do.

Have you ever think that if you didn't take those small step, you wouldn't end up being what you are now? That thought has been bothering me lately. What if I didn't dream to study abroad? What if I was not that serious with my dream and change it into a plan? I wouldn't end up here. It might sounds #lebay for you because I'm not in a top university in Canada either (but it's still good college!!!), but... what if I study in Bali instead? I would probably live in my "normal" life now.

I would not learn how to cook nasi goreng, curry, rendang, ayam sisit, and other Indonesian meals because I have my mom beside me who always cook every morning and ask me what do I want to eat for the next day. I would not learn how to do my laundry, can I use dryer to dry it or should I dry clean my jacket? Only mbak knows. I would probably hanging out every weekend with my best friends, trying new cafe, post it on instagram, trying to get 300++ likes, or maybe just go to shitty place but delicious (and of course cheap) and have long conversations with them. And probably, I will be still in a relationship with my ex and celebrating our one year anniversary and having a candle light dinner together. Wow, does it sounds perfect?

I don't even need to worry about long distance relationship because we live in a same city. I don't need to be worried about what should I have for lunch because everything is ready at home. I don't need to check the weather app because the weather in Bali is always good (not the rainy part, btw). I don't need to go out and buy food because I can easily order it by Gojek (there is a food service like Gojek in here but it just different for me, just no) and there is no such thing as 13 hours different. And i would never know how much i could miss my mom. I miss her so much. Every day. Every time.

Have you ever heard this quote, you will never know what you have until you lose it? I mean, I don't loose my mom. We just live in different country, but I'm just not getting used to it at first. At home, I can easily say I love you to her, every morning I woke up, every time when I arrived home, every night before I go to bed, I always hug and kiss her. But in here, I wake up every morning, wash my face and get ready for school, and then go back to my apartment and jump into my bed, study, playing with my phone until I fall asleep. Yes, that's literally my day. I always miss the time she complains whenever I went back home after 10 p.m (that's my curfew), i miss the time she mad at me whenever I skip meal because I was just lazy to move my ass to eat, I miss the time when I heard that she's arguing with my father about small shits. I miss those moments. I miss her. I miss home.

However, if  don't move to Canada, I would never know that feeling. The feeling when school is over and you are excited to pack your luggages and go back home even you need to take 28++ hours flight, the feeling of loosing someone who are just not right for you. The feeling when you met someone that mean so much for you but you need to let them go because long distance relationship is just not your thing, 13 hours difference? Please someone tell me the secret of how to make it works when you wake up and trying to start the conversation by chat but your loved one just fall asleep because it's late already. It's sucks but it is what it is.

I remember the time when walking alone in Bali is just a shame. Maybe it is today. But since I'm here, I always enjoy my "me" time. I went groceries alone, I bought cheesecake and ate it alone, I went shopping alone, I ate in a restaurant alone. It's common in here. It's strange at first but I enjoyed it anyways.

I don't regret it. I don't. I think that moment is just over already. It's the time for me to get up and move from my comfort zone and expand it. I know I live thousands miles away from my mom but I know her pray is always here with me. Whenever I feel like I want to give up school (because it's just too intense for me), I always remember my parents who never give up supporting me. I just need to go to school and study. It's not that hard right?

Without you, I would totally be a different person. I'm sorry if I've made you feel disappointed. I know I don't make you guys proud yet, but someday, I will. All of my dreams are belong to you. I love you. You are the best thing in my life, I love you Mom and Dad. I love you. Happy Valentine's Day.

I know all of these pictures are not related to the writing but let me tell you something, today is valentine's day. I know Valentine's day is commercialised thing but you can start it from now. I think almost all of my Indonesian friends find it hard to say "I love you" to their mom in daily basis. I don't know why, what is wrong with you guys? Why it's easy for you to say I love you to your boyfriend or your friends but hard to say it to your parents? If you still live with your parents, good. Take care of them and spend lots of time with them. Make them happy, make them proud because in the end of the day, their smiles is the only thing that matter. 

Happy Valentine's day everyone.


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